Victor or Victim - Your Choice

Right now it's tough to not feel like a victim. So many events seem to be beyond our control, and so many consequences of the decisions of others appear to have cost so many so much. It's an easy time to choose to blame others and let events just carry us along- the perfect example of a victim. And an awful lot of people will do that, and be the poorer for it. They will stop trying to swim upstream, and instead let the current carry them where it may, and they will feel out of control and blame it on things outside themselves. They are victims of events. And victims want every one else to be a victim too - it proves they're right about their own behavior. They will have chosen to be a victim - even though most would deny it.

Others choose to be victors. Faced with the same events and circumstances and consequences and outcomes as victims, they will continue to swim upstream - possibly more slowly and with more effort, but still working their way toward their goals. They know it may take longer, it may be tougher, but they choose to stand and fight, rather than let themselves be overcome by events. They take action - sometimes actions that seem so small - but they know that only action leads to results. And in doing that they often find opportunities that they couldn't have dreamed of, but exist because of the very circumstances that turn others into victims. As Steve Schiffmann says in his book Make It Happen Before Lunch, "dwell in possibility, there is always a door somewhere waiting to be opened."

Victors are optimists, opportunists, takers of action.

I was talking to a publisher of a recently launched real estate investment magazine and she admitted the market is tough right now, and many people are holding off, sitting on cash, and taking a wait and see attitude. But others are looking for alternative forms of financing, taking advantage of what they see as bargains in the market, and continuing to work their goals. Even in what is described by the media as one of the most downtrodden of markets - real estate - littered with the failures of so many - others are working and prospering. They're victors - and they will be stronger and more successful for their efforts.

Remember the aftermath of Katrina? How some people pitched right in, started clearing brush and helping others, and doing what they could to start the process of rebuilding their lives and the lives of others. Under the most difficult of circumstances - these were people who had lost everything - they put their heads down and started with action - doing something, anything, to move forward. They're victors. I have no scientific proof, but I suspect those that showed that behavior ended up getting back on track faster, and moved forward on their life's path much more quickly than those victims who waited for help - and complained when it wasn't forthcoming as fast as they expected.

The media did a disservice in the aftermath of Katrina by focusing on the bad things - the late response, the lack of organization - and made it easier for people to be victims. After all, Anderson Cooper on CNN, among others, showed how screwed up the rescue efforts were. And how could an individual, a victim of Mother Nature and FEMA, be expected to make a difference? Many didn't feel they could make a difference, and I suspect those people may be still waiting for and expecting more help. Victims rarely win - they just serve as examples of how "they" - the system, the government, the neighbors - didn't take care of them. And a major word in the vocabulary of victims is " fair" - as if there was some obligation in life for things to be "fair" - whatever that means.

To be a victor requires courage, goals that keep them pointed toward where they want to go, and an understanding that they may not be able to control all the things that happen to them, but they sure can choose how they deal with them. Victors keep control of their responses. They have their bad days - weeks - months - but they persist. And in doing so they win in the game of life.

Regardless where you are right now, choose to grab ahold of whatever it is that you really want, set your plan to get it, and act. You'll be better for it - I guarantee it.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com;Website:www.coxconsultgroup.com; Blog: http://multiplysuccess.blogspot.com

Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved

Ten Key Questions - Do I Stay Or Do I Leave?

So much is written about finding the right job, the right relationship, the right career. Little is written about how to know when to stay the course or move on. Knowing when to move on - look for new opportunities, relationships, and challenges - is critical to success. Commitment to goals; not wanting to leave a job undone; loyalty to people and organizations; a sense of obligation; all play a huge role in deciding when to move on or when to persist. The other alternative - the military calls it "R. I.P - Retire In Place" - isn't worth discussing.


I have a very close friend who is wrestling with whether or not to move on. She has worked hard for three years to make a success of a new branch of her employers business. For the first two years she was applauded and rewarded for the growth and success of her branch. Unfortunately, due to circumstances out of her control, the revenue requirements for continuing the business are not being met. She works hard - long hours - and continues to promote and market her branch - albeit with declining support from the staff people at the headquarters location. There are solutions to the low revenue situation, but they require an expenditure of capital to make the enterprise more attractive and to expand its offerings. Others agree with that - but in today's economic climate it's not going to happen.


She worries that decisions will be made that are not, in her opinion, the right ones for the long term growth of her business. She worries that if she does leave, the branch will suffer. She's at that fork in the road - stay and persist, or look for new opportunities.


For most people, particularly where there has been a high level of commitment to their enterprise, staying or leaving requires a close analysis of what will be - in the end - an emotional decision.

To help make that decision, here are ten question sets. They were developed from discussions with leaders who shared with us the decision making processes they used in deciding to stay or move on.


1 - What are my goals and how are they affected by staying - or leaving? Note - If your goals aren't clear, or if you don't have them, the first step is to get or clarify personal goals. Without clear goals, it's difficult to plot a best course.


2 - Am I convinced that I am adding value in my current situation? Just as importantly, do others share that view? What have I been able to accomplish in the last six months?


3 - What is the price of staying? What are the rewards for staying?


4 - What is the price of leaving? What are the rewards for leaving?


5 - What changes can I make in the current situation that would cause me to stay? Are they realistic and do I want to pursue change?

6 - Is staying a matter of comfort, or a matter of commitment?

7 - Have I given it my best shot? Have I had the opportunity to give it my best shot?

8 - Every endeavor has its ups and downs - am I just reacting to frustration - and is there enough reason to feel things will get better - or is that simply wishful thinking?

9 - Have I given it enough time? How much time is enough time?

10 - Are there mitigating circumstances that affect me - like health, family, money? If there are and I stay because of them, can I continue to operate at a high level of commitment?

There are no right or wrong answers. The important point, as the leaders that shared their thinking made clear, is that this kind of self examination be made. It's critical to making the best possible decision, and taking as much of the spur of the moment emotion out of it as possible.

We all find ourselves in stay or go situations - be it job, relationship, career - from time to time. When that happens, use these question sets in arriving at the best possible choice. And then don't look back. No regrets.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032; Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: http://www.coxconsultgroup.com/; Blog: http://multiplysuccess/. blogspot.com

Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved

Ten Ways To Make Time For The Important Things

Making time for the important things in life is a real challenge. Have you ever ended the day with the feeling that you were as busy as you could possibly be, but didn't make any progress on the really important things? Have you been resentful of the time and energy you have to spend on meeting the demands of others? Have you ever felt out of control - that outside forces take up all your time - and you feel like a victim?

Here are ten ways you can make time for the really important things in your life.

1 - Decide what is really important to you. The 3 to 5 most important things in your life - no more than that.. This sounds so simple - and so easy. It isn't. I challenge you to sit down and write out the 3 to 5 most important things you want to accomplish in your life. Most people won't do that. It takes time and focused thought - but it is the single best investment of time you can make.

2 - Make what's important to you the foundation of your goals. Then align your goals with the requirements of those people, institutions, organizations that are important to you and can contribute to your success. This requires a shift in thought from feeling imposed on by others to seeing the requirements of others as contributing to your success. Making that mind shift can be the most liberating thing you can ever do.

3 - Adopt a "good enough" habit of thought toward the the things you must do but that are not part of your top goals. Trying to make everything the "best possible" sounds laudable - but it's a sure recipe for failure. "Best possible" and perfection can literally suck up all the time you've got, and for things that aren't really that important.

4 - Place a high value on creating structure and limiting your choices. See them as positive behaviors in your battle to preserve as much of your time as you can for the important few. Set boundaries of time, energy and money around the less important.

5 - Create a habit of thought that allows you to replace instinctive reaction with considered response. It's very easy, and lazy, to wait for an outside stimulus to create response. It's hard to sort out and choose response - but critical to your own success.

6 - Learn to say "No." There will always be demands on your time in excess of the time you have available, and while the demands of others may be good for them, they may not be good for you. Work to act only on those demands that are a win - win. Remind yourself that the price paid for having too much to do and too little time is that nothing gets done to even a "good enough" level.

7 - Make routine, predictable and structured all the "good enough" stuff. To the extent that you create routines, the focus of your thoughts and actions can be used for the important stuff. It's amazing how much real thought and planning and decision making can be accomplished while performing the routines of mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, doing the dishes....... A friend who travels a lot on business sees routines as his close friends - they keep him supplied with all his day to days, and allow him to focus on the important things. An example - he always parks his rental car under a light post while traveling - always. Why? It's easier to find it if he forgets where he parked it. Simple - effective.

8 - When it comes to the really important things, forget "multitasking." A focused hour spent on a top goal beats a day spent on "thin things." Busy is not the same as effective - often it's just an avoidance tool - it's procrastination dressed in activity.

9 - Act with enthusiasm - nothing makes things work better than energy and optimism - the belief that good things will come from our actions, and the expectation that our goals will be met and exceeded. And. if some of the routine things simply don't call for enthusiasm, then adopting a mindset of acceptance places a much higher value on accomplishing them. Saying to yourself " As soon as I've got that done - I can get on to the neat stuff" creates a reward for yourself.

10 - Enjoy the rewards of your self discipline. When the combination of the most important and the" good enough" results in your success - however you define that elusive word - take the time to celebrate.

Write down the most important things in your life, then use these ten suggestions to protect as much of your energy and time and optimism as possible. The result will be greater success in the things that matter to you most - whatever they may be.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: http://www.coxconsultgroup.com/; Blog: http://multiplysuccess.blogspot.com/

Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved

Your Response Says So Much About You!

Did you ever watch a football or basketball game and see the player who responded to a foul end up being the person penalized. And did you notice how little weight the explanation that the other person started it carried with the ref?

It may not be fair - but it's the way it is - whether in sports, politics, or business.

One of the most important Personal Skills anyone can have is the skill of responding effectively to a foul - bad press, verbal abuse, misrepresentation. Your maturity and purpose and focus are all on display when you respond, so choose your response carefully.

In the recent flap between Trump and O'Donnell, I see O'Donnell becoming the victim, and Trump the heavy, even though there is little argument that O'Donnell started it. Maybe the idea that any publicity is good publicity has kept them at it, but in our non-celebrity lives, the lesson to learn is to not let our own conduct diminish us in our own eyes and in the eyes of others - regardless of the provocation. This doesn't mean to not respond - any time you ignore provocation that matters you become diminished. It does mean that you choose your response carefully. The Personal Skill is being able to control emotions and measure how important it is to either act or to simply ignore the provocation.

It isn't easy on a late Friday commute when some idiot cuts you off on the freeway not to respond. But don't. At the worst, responding could result in you ending up dead; t the least, feeling like an ass.

When you choose to respond, first make sure its worth your time and energy. Then, apply the twenty four hour rule. Ninety five percent of conflict can be dealt with within twenty four hours - rarely does a provocation that matters call for an instant response. Why twenty four hours? It gives you time to let reason take over and rule over emotions, and then plan your response. And when you do that, you ensure your own effectiveness and maturity. For the other five percent of responses that must be done immediately, take a deep breath, deal with the issue and not the person, and regardless how personal the provocation, deal with it rationally. Easier said than done, but critical to your success. Talk to yourself about remaining calm and choosing a mature response - and remember that a few seconds of silence before responding can be very effective in draining emotion from the situation.

Remember, how you respond says more about you than it does about the person creating the conflict - stay above pettiness and personalization and gain respect - from yourself and from others!

Written by Andy Cox, President

4049 E ista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007 All Rights Reserved

Assumptions - the Trap of Using Them to Predict Outcomes

Here is a story illustrating how beliefs we have create assumptions that can create their own set of issues and problems.

Having the freedom to choose, to me, is a very liberating idea. I first became really aware of the role choice plays in my responses and living while reading the perennial best-seller by Stephen Covey – “The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People” When I read the section dealing with choice, it struck me as a tremendously liberating concept, and one that, at that time in my life, I really needed to hold on to and make part of my own beliefs. The belief in choices went a long way to helping me get rid of a victim complex, and begin to understand my own freedom to choose.

Later, when I was conducting a seminar on leadership, the opportunity to introduce and discuss the concept of choice presented itself. The participants in the seminar were first and second level supervisors and managers for a large industrial company located in Atlanta. The response to the personal choice presentation and discussion was, at best, mixed. Some people looked at me like I was from another planet, some looked like they wanted to be somewhere else, and some seemed positively in agreement and accepting of the concept. Overall, the discussion of choice - that I had been so eager to introduce and so sure it would have enthusiastic support - contributed more negative than positive to the seminar.

After the seminar was over, I reviewed what had happened with a well known and respected seminar leader, and I mentioned the mixed response to what I felt was one of the most powerful messages in the seminar. Her answer was to tell me that in her opinion many people are not liberated by the idea of choice; that many people are threatened by choice; that many people are willing and even comfortable in letting others make choices for them; and that many people view the idea of choices more as a burden than as an opportunity.

That blew me away! But experience has led me to better understand what she meant. No wonder the idea of choice in investment decisions with Social Security funds met with such a mixed review by the voters – given the views of choice by many people in our society, that was a negative, not a positive.

Well, there went another of my assumptions – that choice would be seen as a good thing by most if not all people. That is an example of the kind of assumptions we make on a daily basis that lead us to predict outcomes and results - only to be disappointed.

I continue to believe in the power of personal choice, but I no longer assume others do. And I try to always examine my thinking to see if I have set up any minefields where I have used personal assumptions to arrive at conclusions. Good advice if you are a politician, or a leader, or someone looking to influence others to your way of thinking.

Written by Andrew Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC

Phone 602-795-4100; Fax; 602-795-4800; E Mail: andycox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2006 All Rights Reserved