What To Do When Where You Are Is Not Where You Want To Be

One of the most limiting things we can tell ourselves is that what we are doing and where we are is not where we thought we would be or where we want to be. Lots of people feel that way right now. With all the changes that have happened over the past few years, many people have seen their worlds turned upside down. They have seen their assumptions disappear. They aren't where they thought they would be – and they have a real problem adapting to the realities of their situations.

It happens to all of us at some time – the feeling that where we are isn't where we want to be, or where we deserve to be, or where we planned to be - in work, relationships, emotions, career. And when that feeling occurs, it's really tempting to give in and feel like a victim. Feeling out of control, blaming causes outside ourselves, feeling tempted to give up and give in and blame all the forces that have conspired against us. To do that is fatal. Once the victim disease sets in its hard to see opportunities, even if they're right in front of us.

Our daughter told me a story about the person their pest service sent for a service call. She started to describe the problem she was having with ants. The pest “expert” told her he was just doing this job to pay the bills, that as soon as something better opened up, he would be doing a higher level, more prestigious job than just spraying for ants! I suspect he wanted our daughter to know that he was “better” than the job he was doing. She didn't care – all she wanted was an expert to help with the ant problem.

I met two investment bankers in Miami recently. Both work for a small firm. We got to talking about the impact of the recession on their business. They both admitted business was tough. They observed that many of the people laid off from the large investment firms were simply not equipped to work in smaller firms. They had become used to generous pay, lots of resources and the prestige of being highly educated members of a worldwide firm – work had flowed to them. They didn't have to go looking for it. But in small firms you gotta beat the bushes. Having to pick up the phone and ask for business was not where they wanted to be – and many of the ones that found themselves in that situation hadn't survived. They weren't where they thought they should be – and either wouldn't or couldn't adapt.

Many of the companies I work with are small to medium sized enterprises – anywhere from ten people to twenty five hundred. Most have small support staffs and expect a high level of self reliance and resourcefulness from their people. Most of their experience with executive level hires that have come directly from large companies has not been good. Most of those hires carry a load of assumptions about what they should have to do and what levels of support should be available to them. They are almost always disappointed and frustrated with what they find. The succesful ones adapt. The others fight the situation, try to change it to meet their expectations based on their past experience – with the result that they just survive or get fired. They weren't where they thought they should be. Many of those who failed in their first job after being in a big company learn the lesson, adapt their expectations and perceptions, and succeed using the lessons they learned. Those are the people to recruit.

Here are seven strategies to use when you feel you aren't where you want to be. These are strategies to guard against falling into the the victim trap – or getting yourself out of the one you may be in.

Make Choices - Realize that while you may not be able to control the circumstances that put you where you are, you have complete control over how you respond to them. The key word is choice. A scary word for about 70% of the population. Choice is that space between stimulus and response. Sometimes that space is small – sometimes it's large. It's there for everybody – all the time – even if it doesn't seem to be. That pest “expert” had a choice – and lots of space - to choose how to describe the work he was doing. The choice he made was a negative one. It did not serve him well. Think about how he could have made it positive.

Determine to Adapt – One of the most powerful Personal Skills any person can have is to adapt positively to the situation they find themselves in. Observing and analyzing the situation, then making a conscious decision on how to best succeed – or survive - without compromising basic values is a behavior of the successful. The investment bankers that can see their world as bigger than any one employer, and change to meet different situations, are better equipped for so many more future opportunities than if they had continued to insist on finding work as they had known it. It makes little sense to mourn what no longer exists – adapt.

Create and Review Expectations – Expectations must be reviewed and analyzed and conscious decisions made about them. It's important to accept that expectations need to change to meet changing circumstances. It's also important to realize that expectations that are always too high to be met can drain enthusiasm, energy and self worth. You can keep them as ideals, but don't make ideals into expectations. Think about it – waking up every day and failing to meet your own expectations. Even the most optimistic soul would wilt under those circumstances It's important to realize that expectation are influenced by circumstances – often. We're taught from an early age that we can do whatever we set our minds to do. But when a high school dropout tells me he wants to be a doctor I may suggest he start by striving to get his GED and become an Army medic. There are always new stretch expectations that can be created.

Resolve To Act - No single thing can overcome that feeling of being a victim more than acting. What actions are taken are really less important than just getting out there – whatever that means – and doing something. The Nike Just Do It ads have been so successful because they are simple, they are direct. They mean whatever you want them to mean, and they require Just Doing It. Right now, write down ten things you can do to better your situation, bring you closer to your expectations, overcome the victim disease. Don't just think about ten things – write them down – do them – celebrate the action. And avoid the trap of being busy but not effective. Steven Pressfield, in his book ”The Art of War” suggests you ask yourself one question if in doubt about the effectiveness of what you are doing. The question is “ If you were the only person left in the world, would you continue to do what you are doing right now?” Tough question.

Never, Never, Never Give Up. - Realize there is a real nobility in working to pay the bills, to honor commitments, to feed a family, to survive so you can greet another day with the possibility of success. Never apologize for the work. And realize and guard against giving up. Oftentimes giving up doesn't happen all at once, it can be sneaky. Cormac McCarthy wrote a line in his book “The Road,” about a man and his son, trying to reach the East Coast after a nuclear holocaust, facing untold difficulties. The father at one point turns to his son and says ” When your dreams are of a world that never was or of a world that never will be, and you are happy again, you will have given up.” Hope is critical, dreams are a must, but they need to translate into effective action in today. Make sure the actions you take are important and contribute to your expectations. They can carry you through the roughest of patches.

Develop Observation Skills – See the world around you as it is – not as you wish it would be – or as you dream it could be – or as it used to be. Hard eyed realism is an invaluable tool to moving forward, creating realistic expectations and using today in the best way possible.

Dwell In Possibilities – Stephan Schiffman, in his book “Make It Happen Before Lunch” offers the advice to “dwell in possibility – there is always a door somewhere waiting to be opened.” Possibility thinking leads to opportunities in places you may never have dreamed of.

Use these strategies to help overcome so much of the negative emotions and feelings of powerlessness that the steady barrage of bad news provides us with every day. At the same time, adopting the seven strategies will set the stage for the success that is sure to come to those who stay focused on it – and realize that success may be found in places far away from where you are now - what an exciting thought!

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph& Fax: 602-795-4100; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com;Website:www.coxconsultgroup.com; Blog: http://multiplysuccess.blogspot.com

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