Career Suicide - Proclaim Yourself a Victim

In a meeting of managers discussing a number of issues, one of the managers made the statement - a number of times, that " No one ever told him anything." This came as a surprise to the other managers - they thought he was actually one of the really plugged - in people. After he made himself a victim - by his own words - his influence and leverage disappeared. Who would want to seek out a person who was told nothing - and , by inference, knew nothing? Funny thing - he was one of most plugged in people in a really secretive organization. He had more intel than most - but that changed. And all because he gave himself up.

Have you ever known people that have done the same thing? Have you ever been guilty of it yourself?

It's the quickest way to career suicide in any job. And the person who commits this self inflicted wound is just looking to complain a little and get a little sympathy and understanding from all the kind people they work with. Huge mistake. It's almost impossible to feel any real sympathy or empathy for a self proclaimed victim. There are too many real victims who are working hard to redeem and survive and grow and prosper to feel any kind of regard for those "woe is me" types.

I don't mean to imply that you should act as if you have all the answers and are plugged in to everything that goes on in your workplace - that approach creates it's own problems. But complaining without a constructive goal is a really unattractive behavior - and people, particularly bosses, avoid that behavior like the plague.

So the next time you're tempted to reach for your crying towel and complain - stop. Remind yourself that shooting yourself in the foot is very painful. Then remind yourself that in every complaint is the seed for a constructive thought or comment or, even better, action. Then go in the direction of providing solutions - the upside to that behavior is so positive, and the downside? Well, there is no downside. Start today - now.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007 All Rights Reserved

Bad Mouth Others At Your Peril

At a cocktail party, I met a person who had been active in the same industry association that I had. It turned out we were both acquainted with a fellow association member I'll call John. The person I was talking to at the party launched into a vicious personal attack on John - impugning his honesty, integrity and just about everything else about him. I stood there - shocked - and waited for him to subside. I had never met this person before and, after his outburst, I had no interest in any further discussion with him.

We drifted away from each other and engaged other people at the party. As he left, he sought me out, said he hoped that I would keep what he had said confidential, and hoped that we could work together in the future. Work with him - not!!

It's amazing how often we meet people who make themselves look small and petty by bad mouthing others.

My dad advised me - "If you can't say something good about somebody, don't say anything at all." Great advice. I've not always followed it, and almost always, when I was critical of others, it came back to bite me. Often, the words came back to bite me through people I call "attributors." These are the people who repeat what you have said, while making sure to attribute the words to you.They're troublemakers - but if you made the comment they say you did, then shame on you.

When we are openly critical of others we are harming ourselves. First by appearing petty and mean, and secondly by providing negative comments for others to spread. Bad news. Start today by following my dad's advice - " If you can't say something good about somebody, don't say anything at all."

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved

There's Plenty For Everybody - Believe it

Can you remember a time when you were really proud of what you had accomplished, and when you told a friend you got a less than enthusiastic response. - perhaps even an envious response.

I remember when my wife and I bought our first new car - a convertible - and our next door neighbor's first comment was " Well, at least our car's paid for." Nice. Scratch them from the list of friends. Envy or jealousy are really ugly behaviors - they so diminish the person guilty of them.

Stephen Covey, in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People talks about an "attitude of plenty." About believing that there is plenty of everything for everybody, and the success of another in no way diminishes us. Stephan Schiffman, in his terrific book on telephone sales, titled Make It Happen Before Lunch says" Dwell in possibility - there is always a door somewhere waiting to be opened."

If you think like Schiffman and Covey, there will be no room for the envy and jealousy that makes so many people smaller in the eyes of others - and most importantly, in their own eyes.

What's sad about the people who don't have the beliefs of plenty and possibilities, is that they believe everyone else thinks like they do. So when they do have a success, they find it difficult to accept the congratulations of others at face value, because they know, if the roles were reversed, they would harbor envy and jealousy.

Whether it's possessions, promotions, winning at a sport, or some other area of accomplishment, feel good for the success of others. Use it to inspire yourself to achieve. And if you catch yourself thinking in terms of being diminished by the success of others, tell yourself there's plenty for everybody - then go out and get some. Do it - today.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved

Perseverance and Commitment, or Just An Illusion

I just finished a terrific book - The Road by Cormac McCarthy. In it was a quote that struck me - it has to do with perseverance and commitment and dreams, and how you will know if you are pressing forward, or stepping back.

"When your dreams are of some world that never was or of some world that never will be and you are happy again, then you will have given up."

Never never never give up. Very few people would argue with that statement. But giving up can be sneaky - it doesn't just happen. It happens when your dreams don't come true, when you have been disappointed again and again, when that sale you were relying on so much didn't happen, when you start to trim back your goals, and start to let short term failure effect your energy and commitment and question your own ability and worthiness. Giving up can be masked by activity - actions taken that keep you busy, but when you analyze their value and are honest about it - you realize all that busyness doesn't amount to much.

One of our greatest strengths is our flexibility - but it can be a weakness as well. When we flex to cope with failure, oftentimes we step back, not forward - and we do it without realizing it.

There is the story of the entrepreneur that was failing, and he decided to take a day and go fly fishing. He had the good fortune to hook a very large trout. His gear was designed for much smaller fish, so he very carefully played the fish, using just enough pressure to keep the fish irritated and moving until it finally lay, exhausted, in the water. He revived it and let it swim away. And then he realized - he was just like that fish - constantly irritated and annoyed and moved by small things, and they were exhausting him. He decided right then and there to stop letting the little things wear him down. He left the stream, he went to work on the few big things that would rescue his business, and he prospered.

Giving up comes in many disguises - check to see if you have your priorities and goals and actions in line with your dreams. Are you working to meet your goals, or are you using your dreams to avoid reality? It's an easy trap to fall into.

The good news is that you can release yourself from your trap - the secret is first knowing you're in it - that's where goals are so very important. Then take action to achieve the important things - and forget about all the little stuff that will always try to pull you down.

Start today - act on your important dreams.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007 All Rights Reserved

Your Response Says So Much About You!

Did you ever watch a football or basketball game and see the player who responded to a foul end up being the person penalized. And did you notice how little weight the explanation that the other person started it carried with the ref?

It may not be fair - but it's the way it is - whether in sports, politics, or business.

One of the most important Personal Skills anyone can have is the skill of responding effectively to a foul - bad press, verbal abuse, misrepresentation. Your maturity and purpose and focus are all on display when you respond, so choose your response carefully.

In the recent flap between Trump and O'Donnell, I see O'Donnell becoming the victim, and Trump the heavy, even though there is little argument that O'Donnell started it. Maybe the idea that any publicity is good publicity has kept them at it, but in our non-celebrity lives, the lesson to learn is to not let our own conduct diminish us in our own eyes and in the eyes of others - regardless of the provocation. This doesn't mean to not respond - any time you ignore provocation that matters you become diminished. It does mean that you choose your response carefully. The Personal Skill is being able to control emotions and measure how important it is to either act or to simply ignore the provocation.

It isn't easy on a late Friday commute when some idiot cuts you off on the freeway not to respond. But don't. At the worst, responding could result in you ending up dead; t the least, feeling like an ass.

When you choose to respond, first make sure its worth your time and energy. Then, apply the twenty four hour rule. Ninety five percent of conflict can be dealt with within twenty four hours - rarely does a provocation that matters call for an instant response. Why twenty four hours? It gives you time to let reason take over and rule over emotions, and then plan your response. And when you do that, you ensure your own effectiveness and maturity. For the other five percent of responses that must be done immediately, take a deep breath, deal with the issue and not the person, and regardless how personal the provocation, deal with it rationally. Easier said than done, but critical to your success. Talk to yourself about remaining calm and choosing a mature response - and remember that a few seconds of silence before responding can be very effective in draining emotion from the situation.

Remember, how you respond says more about you than it does about the person creating the conflict - stay above pettiness and personalization and gain respect - from yourself and from others!

Written by Andy Cox, President

4049 E ista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007 All Rights Reserved

You Can't Be Believed If You're Not Heard

Right now - today - there is more ability, intelligence, expertise and experience that never gets heard than ever before in our history. What a waste!! At the same time, there is more BS being spewed by more non - experts than ever before!!

We see it every day - in the news, in meetings, in conversations we have. How often have you witnessed a speech or presentation and become absolutely convinced that the real experts are in the audience - not at the front of the room?

Have you ever noticed how the person with the most conviction tends to be believed - even if they are not the most well informed? People value conviction in communication - they will follow conviction. Meanwhile, buried in the conversation is someone who has so much more of value to say - and yet they don't. How can we get that skill and ability to speak with conviction?

So what do we do about it?

First, we encourage ourselves, and the people we know, to become effective communicators. We encourage ourselves and others we know to gain the skills and ability to communicate effectively. For most people, the fear of public speaking is one of the top three fears in their lives - right up there with death and taxes. By public speaking I am including any conversation where three or more people are gathered to discuss, defend, learn, debate , brainstorm, propose - i.e. communicate.


Second,adopt the belief that it is our obligation, our duty to share our knowledge with others, and in doing so to help others make their own decisions based on accurate, timely, complete - as - it - can - be information.

Third, let me share a personal experience. My wife and I joined Toastmasters a few years ago. I didn't think it would be of that much value to me - I'd been doing presentations for years. I joined as a way to encourage my wife to gain skills. My wife gained skills and confidence, and so did I - in spades. Today my wife gives presentations as part of her work - the largest group she has talked to was composed of 300 complete strangers. My largest group of complete strangers was about the same size. We still get butterflies before speaking- sometimes worse than others, but we have overcome our fears and used our skills to listen, educate, inform, influence and sell. Incidentally, we have no stake in Toastmasters - we receive no benefit in any way from this writing. We just know that it is one very effective tool to open your own doors to greater skills - skills and abilities that can be life changing. Perhaps Dale Carnegie or the National Speakers Association or a local group are more suited to your time, temperment and goals.

Do it - find a way today. Start now. Start by believing in your opportunity to help others through sharing your unique blend of knowledge, experience and insights. Then reach out for tools that will turn your belief into action.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; EMail: Acox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2007

Focus - What You Think Is What You Get

Ever noticed how - when you really, really want something, and you focus your thinking on getting it and all the good that it will bring, that more often than not it comes true. On the other hand, have you ever noticed that when you want something and think about all the things that could go wrong, they do?

A friend is a mountain biker. He says every time he concentrates on a rock in his path, he ends up riding over it. A fly fisherman friend says every time he thinks about snagging in the tree behind him when he casts , he ends up snagging that tree. A gymnast friend tells me he won't allow hmself to think about falling off the still rings, because if he does, he will end up falling off.
What we think is what we get.

A dear friend confides in me that his expectation when he meets new people is that it will result in a negative situation - indifference, dismissal, or some other combination of negative outcomes. He has absolutely no reason to feel that way - but he does. His interactions with new people usually end up with him being pleasantly surprised that the other person was friendly. But his thinking of negative expectations keeps him fom seeking out new people in his life.

One of the key steps to success is being able to cut through all of our self imposed crap and examine the kinds of thinking we do. Do a self examination - be brutally honest with yourself. After all, you don't have to share your findings with anyone other than yourself. Find out if your focus and thinking takes you toward what you want, or keeps you from getting there. It's not an easy exercise, and the longer you have been thinking negative self thoughts the longer it may take to overcome them. But the reward for your effort will really be worth it - I guarantee it.

Start today - start now - do it!

Personal Clarity - Essential to Success

Clarity is one of those strange things - you think you have it and then, when you try to put your finger on something, you find it's not there - or it's close, but you can't really grab it - whatever "it" is.

Why should you care about this thing called Clarity? Because the more accurate your view of the world and the more accurate your understanding of yourself, the more effective and successful you can become. Achieving Clarity isn't for everybody - and that's your competitive advantage. Most people that want to be leaders won't pay the price to get high levels of Clarity.

My most recent battle with clarity is going on right now - with myself, as I try to get my goals for 2007 down to the action level. You know, those dreams that you want to see come true - but to have that happen, you gotta act. And as you translate dreams to goals to action, it gets kind of fuzzy. And fuzzy is the enemy of success.

I go through this exercise much more often than I would like to admit. Wouldn't it be just great to be able to just go for it? To act!!

But to act without clarity and purpose is, most often, futile. One of the things I know about myself is that I have to know where I want to go in order to get there. That's my External Clarity - how clearly I see where I am going. The more clearly I see my goals and dreams and how to get there, the better the chances that I will succeed.

But our External Clarity has a powerful partner - our Internal Clarity. The Clarity that has to do with how clearly we see ourselves. This is the arena of self esteem, confidence, introspection and extroversion - the place where we feel worthy and able - or not. This is the realm of self talk - how we view others, our expectations of our own performance and the performance of others, our willingness to take risk and to believe in our abilities - the place where optimism or pessimism or a combination of both reside. This is where we are critical of ourselves - or not. Our perceptions and beliefs in ourselves reside here. What's interesting is that some of the most successful people I have ever worked with don't think highly of their own worth and ability, but they have taken that as a challenge and worked hard to meet tough goals and to take risks and opportunities to prove their worth and ability. Others with low regard for themselves stay safe, don't put themselves at risk and are satisfied with much less than their real capabilities would have allowed them to achieve. Others are so optimistic and think so highly of themselves - the " He/she is a legend in their own mind" people, that they often fail because they are incapable of imagining any downside to whatever they do.

Internal Clarity is tough to determine, but there are ways to get a clearer picture of where you are. 360 degree feedback - if done right - is a great way to get solid feedback; asking trusted friends and family to help you get a clearer picture of yourself can be very effective; assessments of Personal Skills that include detailed measurements of Internal and External Clarity have helped many leaders and emerging leaders; your performance review process at work can help. While all these tools can be a great help, you still have to be able to look in the mirror and ask yourself questions that help you gain Personal Clarity.

How you achieve a high level of Clarity is a very personal matter - the advantage to taking the time and effort to reach a clear picture of the world outside yourself along with a clear picture of your inner world is that it gives you tremendous leverage and competitive advantage. Knowing who you - are the good, the bad and the ugly - is the first step to success.

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail andycox@coxconsultgroup.com; Website: www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved

Building Trust - Starting With Yourself

The most important person you can trust is yourself! Do you trust your self? Do you trust other people? Do you start with the belief that people can be trusted - or with the belief that people aren't to be trusted?

These are questions we ask people as part of our work. Usually the answers are - "Yes, I trust myself", and "Yes, I believe people can be trusted." Predictable answers - most of us really believe that we have a high level of trust in ourselves and in our fellow man. After all, every day we hit the highways we trust our fellow travelers to drive safely. When we dine at a restauant, we trust the food preparation was done safely. We trust our bank to handle our money according to our instructions. We trust the teachers of our children to be competent and diligent in developing the young minds entrusted to them. That kind of institutional trust is essential to our being able to function on a day to day basis in our society. Only when some event creates mistrust - an accident, food poisoning, embezzlement, a failed course, do we question this kind of trust.

But there is a far more important form of trust -

It's the kind of trust that results in success or failure in our lives. It starts with how trustful we are of ourselves. It starts with keeping the promises or commitments or resolutions we make to ourselves. If we have a problem with keeping promises to ourselves, we will transfer that lack of trust to our beliefs in other people. Put simply, if we can't trust ourselves, we won't be able to trust others. Why? Because every one of us assumes that others act and think and feel the way we act and think and feel. It's a bad assumption - but a human one.

So how do we develop trust in others? First, we start by developing trust in ourselves. We start by keeping the promises we make to ourselves. Many people set themselves up for failure by making too many or too agressive promises to themselves. Take New Year's resolutions as an example. Realize that every unkept promise we make to ourselves corrodes our feelings of trust in ourselves - and how can we possibly trust others if we don't trust ourselves?

Second, we gain trust in others by starting with a clean slate - training ourselves to remember that other people are different than we are - and to not assume our behavior is the same as their's.

It's impossible to gain leverage in life through other people if you lack trust in others. It's impossible to reach your goals - assuming your goals are lofty ones, without the help and trust in others. How do you get that trust? You start by developing trust in yourself. Start today - now - don't wait!

Written by Andy Cox, President

Cox Consulting Group LLC, 4049 E Vista Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85032 Ph: 602-795-4100; Fax: 602-795-4800; E Mail: andycox@coxconsultgroup.com. Website; www.coxconsultgroup.com

Copyright 2007 All Rights reserved